i don't steal pills from her cabinet anymore. i stopped smoking. i even quit coffee. so i down mugs and mugs of tea pungent with the smell of steaming leaves.

i would watch a lot of tv, but i don't have one. so i download youtube videos, painting my nails and lips red in between the buffering silences and streaming flashes of beyonce.

i bake a lot, i add sugared ginger pieces to carrot cake, blueberries to zucchini bread, cardamom to cupcakes. i'd like to fool myself that i'm more different than i really am. my fridge is stuffed with tupperwares full of week-old cakes and bread.

nights are the easiest. 2am, and i head to the 24-hour walmart and push my cart around the giant aisles, swerving around stoners by the electronics section. i order chocolate chip waffles at waffle house. i go to the xxx video store and slowly browse the racks of cum shots while sneaking sidelong glances at the men breaking each other coming in and out of the booths in the back.

some time before morning, i find myself sleepless, sober, dry heaving against the bathroom tiles.

still it's easier to be alone. easier to be unhappy.