i can only orgasm when i have a black eye.
it makes me feel like a person.

my vice is androgyny -
boys that look like girls,
girls that look like boys. 
i love leering at girls in
the metro car, i feel GREAT about making
them uncomfortable, but i can
never quite follow through on my
fantasies, so i settle for 'men' my age.
i turn limp in their arms,
a doll who is bored unless i'm belted, bitten. 
i say i like it but inside i cry. 
i can't take men seriously when
they come on to me, which is why
 i guess they don't anymore. 
i prefer having fake relationships
 in my head, i never let myself down.

usually i do not have a bad time cumming but when a guy is
fucking me and it is hard for me to get there i need to think about having
sex with him and someone close to him like a friend or a cousin or sister.
sometimes to get there i have to think of doing something that would unsettle
deeply and hurt someone i otherwise like or love. it makes me cum for sure.
afterwards when we he touches my breasts and says he loves me i wonder
if he would feel so hot about himself and us if he knew i was thinking about
sucking his brother off. i do not care how i feel about it.

when i was 18 i was making out with someone i became very close to
later in life. for some reason i placed his hand on my throat, he sort
of just went with it and i liked the temporary lack of oxygen. my
previous lover placed his hand on my throat in the same fashion with
out my asking. i liked it, a lot. the thing is that i have a new
lover, and i think he might actually be my boyfriend and i think i am
now capable of loving myself and him, and i'd hate to screw that up by
asking him to cut off my oxygen supply temporarily while we have sex.
i feel bad about this.

it is the fact that i deny my homosexuality.
i live openly as a gay man, but inside i deny it.
i cannot fully explain it. but i do.
i feel guilty about it, i supress my desires.
i torture myself and hurt others.
i cannot let myself be in a happy relationship.
i'm in love with another boy.
and i know i will not spend my life at his side.

this is my deepest perversion.
i feel it is a crime against humanity. no one should feel this way.
no one.

I am overly polite to people so they don't mind me breathing the
air so maybe he won't notice.   I don't want them to be upset at me
inhaling the oxygen they wish the dead loved one could have instead.  I
apologize to the person ignoring my existence in the cross walks the
hallways the sidewalks the couches the bed rooms the waiting rooms, the
overly huge campuses the cubicle the bathroom the counter  the line and
the bus when they are rudely awakened to my presence.  I send angry
prayers of desperate longing to them in millionths of seconds. People I
don't know seem to know me and the familiarity breeds contempt.  People
say things about me I can't hear.  People  I have never interacted with
say things about me at me in the plasma extraction room that echo
feelings I have about myself while in the plasma room and I write about
it on livejournal.  A  particularly nasty coworker from three years ago
said something identical to something a friendly acquaintance said
right before I came here the first with contempt the second with
possessed conviction about their visions of my future.  left me feeling
perverted on both occasions.


I don't feel good or bad, I feel a corporeal bond to everything as
if my experience here some kind of hoax.  He should have been the only
son. Sometimes its hard to be calm.  Especially these days with all the
booze. Its not really a question for me will it burn?  no.  should it
burn?  mmmmmm

My deepest perversion is watching women urinate. Its not about the pee.
I'm not into golden showers or anything like that. This fetish usually
only applies to a romantic partner or close female friend. I feel no
attraction to strangers doing anything, especially peeing. I once had a
girlfriend who would take me to the bathroom every single time she
would pee, inluding the middle of the night when i was sleeping. My
most intent vice is rootbeer. I feel good about both.